Happy Sinterklaas Day!


Happy Sinterklaas day!
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This is a very special day in which my people (the Dutch) celebrate the life of dear ol’ St. Nick, and enjoy some seasonally-appropriate racism. For those of you who’ve never heard of this holiday, gather around ye olde yule log (a laptop will suffice) and let your humble narrator tell you the tale:There once was a man called Saint Nicolaas, who’s also been known to go under such aliases as: De Goedheiligman (The Good Holy Man), De Sint (The Saint), and De Pre-Diabetische Bebaarde Kerel (The Pre-Diabetic Bearded Dude).

Every year, around late November, a steamboat from Spain arrives in The Netherlands. And on this boat is a stately, yet stoic, chap ensconced in a crimson crushed velvet suit, sporting a flowing white beard that glistens like the first snowflakes in the dawn’s light. Upon his arrival, he parades down the streets on his great gray steed, Amerigo, welcomed by a gaggle of cheering and singing children. “HIJ IS HIER (he’s here)! HIJ IS HIER!” they shout with glee!

Accompanying Sinterklass is his devoted servant, Zwarte Piet (Black Pete), who’s under strict orders to dress up like a 17th century page in a colorful dress, festooned with a lace collar, and donning a feathered cap, to satisfy his master’s unusual fetish.

On the night of December 4th, the local children are instructed to leave out their shoes by the fireplace, ready to accept the gifts of the generous overlord. After a snifter of brandy, and an erotic romp in the hay, Sinterklass and Zwarte Piet sashay around town, filling the shoes of the good children with chocolate coins, oranges, class A drugs, enemas, and other treats.

The naughty kids? A lump of coal. The really naughty kids? A good spanking with Zwarte Piet’s chimney sweep’s broom, made of the sharpest willow branches, whilst Sinterklass guffaws maniacally, the whites of his crazed eyes glinting in the night that’s as dark as his soul. And for the REALLY naughty children? They’re tied up in Zwarte Piet’s sack, to be transported back to Spain. Nobody knows exactly what happens when they get to Spain; some things are better left unsaid.

So there you have it, the most well-researched, factually-accurate tale of this special holiday. Happy Sinterklaas Day, everyone!

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